Have you ever wished you could raise your child in a sweet little protected bubble? Or maybe head out to a remote location and just enjoy living without all the noise we encounter on a daily basis? While there may be much to attract in such a family vision, much would also be lost. Plus, it’s probably not very realistic – how many of us could successfully create that ideal, problem-free place to raise our kids?
Still, if you dream of this, I feel you! One of the scariest aspects of parenting these days is the overwhelming amount of information reaching our children. The messages are everywhere, and so many of them are full of deception. Now more than ever, a parent’s role as loving guide is essential.
So, how does a parent avoid becoming just one more voice among the millions of others? Thankfully, there is much we can do instill guiding truth in our children.
Nurture your relationship with them
There is no overstating the value of a healthy, loving relationship when it comes to influence. This is increasingly true as children get older. Much of your leadership will come from your authority in the early years, but it will flow from relationship in your child’s older years. If you’ve established mutual trust and respect, and most of all love, your influence is likely to be strong as your children enter adolescence and adulthood. It’s so helpful if you have a relationship-building mindset early on. Then, continue to grow a healthy relationship from there.
Create memories
Memories help form a child’s identity and create tight bonds of connection between family members. Especially if you are enjoying a special time together – a celebration, holiday, vacation, or something momentous – focus on really being present, but also record it if you can. If your children are like mine, they will enjoy revisiting those memories over and over, even into adulthood. Each time they do, they are reminded of the years of love, affection, support, and struggle together that have formed them individually and formed you all as a family. That history has meaning, and the lessons learned and trust formed from those early experiences carry forward in future years.
Listen as much as you talk and be attuned to teachable moments
Listening is one of the best ways to show someone that their presence matters to you and that you care about who they are in their deepest places. There is so much you can learn if you really listen – about who your child is (you might not really know unless you’re paying close attention!) and what their greatest needs are. A simple, loving, pointed, wise word spoken after intentional listening is far more influential than a blunt general statement or command that lands like a hammer.
Encourage as much as you correct – and do most of your teaching during times of non-conflict
Most of us respond better to direction when we know the person providing it sees our effort, recognizes the good we do, and values it. Frequent correction can start to take the form of relentless criticism. It can even feel like an indictment of not only what your child does but who he is.
Encouragement, on the other hand, can serve to spur him on, fan into flame the spark of goodness you see. There’s no avoiding correction when it comes to parenting. It’s necessary and vital! But you can keep an eye on your communication patterns and intentionally aim for more positive and productive ones.
Also, keep in mind that your child is most receptive to your influence when it's offered in a peaceful, safe-feeling moment. Those times when you are frustrated, when your child has missed the mark (again) - those are not likely to be the best opportunities to instill wisdom.
Lecture less as they get older
As your child grows, lectures become less and less effective. One reason for this is that you’ve said most of those things multiple times before! Your child may know what you’re going to say before you even say it.
A better plan is to ask questions that draw out your child’s thoughts and ask for her view of a a particular situation. She might be inclined to argue and oppose if you lecture, even if she actually agrees with you! But if she processes a situation on her own and genuinely acknowledges her own convictions (and all those things you've taught her over the years!), she’s is much more likely to follow those and act rightly.
Be consistent
Think before you speak. Only say what you truly mean. Especially in a heated moment, try to stay true to what you believe and what you teach. This demonstrates to your child that God’s truth applies in all situations, even stressful ones. The rules don’t fly out the window when you’re really angry or irritated or suffering.
In all those situations, even as you express what you feel, hold to the truth you profess. In fact, you can have a great impact on your child as you model how that truth serves as an even more valuable foundation during those difficult times.
Have integrity that they can observe – live out what you teach
Have you heard the saying, “More is caught than taught?” It’s a good reminder that our children will be more strongly influenced by how we live than what we say. The approach that says, “Do what I say, not what I do,” simply doesn’t work. Without consistent character to back up what you teach, your words are likely to ring empty or even be considered completely invalid.
Pray and fill yourself with truth
There’s no doing this influencer thing well apart from the Holy Spirit. Lean into prayer, asking over and over again for filling and guidance to handle all the ups and downs of days spent parenting.
It’s just plain hard, and we will fall short often. Be humble before God and even before your children. Return to God’s word daily to be shaped and formed by the truth he’s provided there. Praise God for his Grace! Know that it is sufficient for you. He loves you, dear mama. He equips you and gives you strength. It’s OK to feel exhausted and inadequate. Know that he’s chosen you for this and he walks with you every step of the way.
Xo,
Christie
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