In the day-to-day grind of parenting, it’s easy to fall into a default setting of just correcting our children when they mess up or when they become obnoxious to us. We might find ourselves repeating “Don’t do that,” 1000 times throughout the day. It can become discouraging, exhausting, and absolutely joyless.
A focus like this - on controlling behavior rather than teaching heartfelt obedience - can result in tension or antagonism in a family, instead of joy. A child may act out this antagonism by fighting for HIS way instead of doing what his parents want. Parents can fall into this trap as well - seeing their child as someone who will consistently seek his own way instead of theirs – and respond with their own ever-intensifying plans for victory.
Where does this perception of antagonism come from? From reality! In truth, our sweet, precious, adorable children are incredibly self-centered. This should come as no surprise to us because we’re seeing in them the same self-centeredness that we see in ourselves. However, as parents, we get to teach and train them to a different way of thinking.
Our nature is to be self-centered. Phillipians 3:19 says “…their god is their belly, and they glory in their shame, with minds set on earthly things.” Even though that is our original nature - it’s not God’s plan for us to indulge this nature or to live captive to it. The truth is, we are not supposed to “just be who we were born to be," we are to BECOME who we were born AGAIN to be. That should be the foundation of all our instruction. Guiding the entire family into becoming what the Lord would have us be, through a new birth in Christ and the sanctification that comes as we walk intimately with him.
As we prayerfully teach our children - in the power of the Holy Spirit - the truth from Scripture, we work toward establishing a whole different view and culture within our home. Discipleship and instruction take precedence over rules and punishment.
Here’s something that’s key: with this type of teaching, not only WHAT we teach them but also the WAY we teach them is vital.
One approach parents may be tempted to use is the authoritarian or autocratic approach. This is characterized by
- a “do-it-or-else” communication style
- a priority of suppressing waywardness
- a focus on correcting bad behavior rather than training to righteousness
- a failure to provide the moral and practical reason behind instruction.
It’s also characterized by parents
- producing children who appear to be compliant on the outside but are not motivated
by an obedient heart on the inside
- failing to value the relationship building that can and should happen during both
discipleship and discipline
- parenting based on what’s convenient or desired by the parent rather than what is
good for the child.
The vast majority of parenting with the autocratic approach happens in moments of conflict, right in the heat of battle when a child has disobeyed. This is frustrating for both the parent and the child. The parent is frustrated that the child is failing to act according to the parent’s desires and expectations, and the child is frustrated because he’s being held to a standard to which he hasn’t been trained. He’s not sure what his parents’ expectations are or when he might be punished for violating them.
Col 3:20-21 makes God’s requirement of children clear: “Children, obey your parents.” It also makes His expectation of parents clear: “Fathers, do not exasperate your children, that they may not lose heart.”
We know from this Scripture that carelessly exasperating our children is an abuse of our God-given authority. The autocratic parenting approach tends toward this type of abuse.
To raise an obedient and God-honoring child, we must go far beyond instilling fear in them, giving orders, and administering discipline when we’re frustrated. We need to teach our children what to do (and not do) but also WHY they should or shouldn’t do something. It's helpful to remind YOURSELF and your children that real heart change is a work of GOD. And you are BOTH - parent and child - striving to be obedient to God’s instruction. Parents are striving to obey in how they train up their children as much as children should strive to obey the teaching that their parents are faithfully providing. The whole family is needing to set their minds on what honors God - not following the rules out of fear or rebelling out of selfishness (Romans 8:5-11).
We must prayerfully teach and train in a way that seeks to mold the heart and mind rather than just providing rules to be followed. And our training should be done in love, with a genuine desire to see our children thrive in every way.
This proactive, instructional approach sets them up for success in a variety of situations and equips them to live in wisdom.
There’s so much more we could say here, but that seems like enough food for thought for now! We’ll have Part 2 on this topic next time.
I encourage you to give thought and prayer to the idea of training to righteousness. Ask God to show you ways you might presently be leaning into the autocratic parenting style a bit and also to shine a light on opportunities to build relationships with your children and disciple them proactively (rather than just correcting them after the fact).
I’m praying for you, too! You are in the thick of some vital Kingdom work, and I imagine you feel the challenge of it. Praise God for his grace to us as parents and grace for our children. His love never fails, and in our weakness he is strong!
Xo,
Christie
If you would like support in intentionally discipling your children, check out our Parent's Discipleship Journal. It's a simple weekly guide for twelve months of prayer and discipleship of your children. There is space for you to write in the truth you are focused on with your child each week as well as the Scriptural foundation for the truth you are emphasizing. In the back of the journal, you’ll find a list of Guiding Scriptures to help direct your prayers and discipleship for each week. There are lots of other little guides and resources in there as well!
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